My job requires almost 8 hours of diversity training so we are sitting through sessions all month. First, we completed this cool assessment through Harvard called Project Implicit study. Apparently, it takes data and tells you what your preferences, prejudices are ranging from sexual orientation to light skin vs dark skin preferences. It’s funny because one of the questions asked if I was a parent. I said no, thinking that was the end of that round. But it then got deep on me and asked it I wanted to have kids. I figured I knew the direction this was going and silently smacked my lips saying yes. A blurb popped up on the screen flashing…”many times what people want and intend to do are two different things.” I blinked thinking is this machine trying to read me and clicked next. Then, the computer asked again..”Are you planning and intend to have kids?” I said yes but was shook by the specificity of the question. What we want and what we are willing to do to get to the desired outcome are often two different things. With that, I’m at it again with another writing challenge for November called #BlogLikeCrazy.
Of course the last time I did a blog challenge was for #30in30. I think I did about, oh……25. So the first prompt for #bloglikecrazy is about intent. I’ll start by sharing things I intend to do in the month of November. I intend to write each day with the hope of posting to my blog. This intent thing is serious now after doing the Havvvvaaarrrrdddd test and all, because it made me realize I don’t always follow through with my goals. See, in August I wanted to start dating again and pitching to write articles to online mags. What happened? Nothing. I didn’t go out on a date, I didn’t meet anyone, and I didn’t pitch. I did everything but. Worked out, read, wrote, worked, ate, slept. But nothing towards the goals I set for myself. I finally figured it out. I am chicken*()*. You can fill in the blank or call it what you like, but the things I really want to do, I somehow find a way to avoid because I would hate to fail at them. Now there are some things that I have actually followed through on like creating a logo and working to create a new design for a blog, but they weren’t my primary goals. I even got another singing gig after feeling like I crapped after losing my main gig with my former employer. My point is what we intend and what we want don’t always coincide because of fear, procrastination, and plain laziness. I’m over all the cornfed excuses I can come up with. I’m holding me back and that’s a sad thing to admit.
So #bloglikecrazy is my time to get started with a new part of my life-the one where I actively overcome the things that are holding me back. It won’t be easy, but I’ve skated by long enough and since I know what I want, and believe I can have it, what am I waiting for? I changed the way I set my goals from “I want” to “I will.” I intend to be the best steward of the gifts God gave to me. And also catch up with a handsome man for coffee soon as well as send of at least 2 pitches by the end of the month.
Nothing shakes you more and reminds you of the brevity of life when you visit the hospital. A month ago I sat in my friend’s hospital room while she recovered from a complicated surgery. It started out as a simple female procedure but somehow turned into a week-long stay from unexpected complications. I took turns with friends visiting her to make sure she wasn’t feeling too down or frustrated about losing the freedom to move around too much. She rarely is sad and it shocked me to see her struggling to keep up her joy. It was at this moment I realized we learn our greatest lessons when we realize what we’ve taken for granted.
It got me to thinking about if I was really living the life I say I am when I ended up chatting with a mutual friend at the hospital. It was a Saturday but she was diligently typing away on her laptop when I walked in my friend’s room. I brought my Kindle Fire along but only had it for fun and not work. So, I asked her how she’d been and said, “Are you working on a project?” She quickly responded “Oh no, I’m just completing work. That’s all I do.” I said “Really?” Her head was buried in the laptop when she said….”Yea.” I remembered she was in a sorority and mentioned seeing some of her soror sisters involved in a community service project over the weekend. I asked if she was active or ever worked with any of them. Again, she said, “I don’t even know when they meet. I should get more involved.”
I’m stunned because this woman was beautiful, smart, successful, but largely isolated from anything but her job. Here I was telling her more about organizations she’s affiliated with just because I was paying more attention. She admitted she didn’t get out much unless it was related to work. We talked a bit more and she shared that even though she had her own moment with a life changing and personal illness, she hadn’t taken hold of truly living instead of focusing her energy on work. Somehow, she’s still clinging to work as her life’s purpose. Here’s the deal. We all have the tendency to cling to what we know and what’s comfortable out of fear. More than likely, we don’t realize that we shortchange ourselves by doing so. Unfortunately, I saw alot of myself in her. Of course I can cushion the blow by saying I’m not that bad, but alot of my life is patterned around work and finding more opportunities to work. That’s where alot of my value comes from (which I constantly battle). I volunteer here and there, but I’ve gotten comfortable being by myself and fail at going out alone or if I’m not with a friend. While I love what I do both as a counselor and as a singer, it won’t always be there. And since it won’t, it’s time to start focusing more on creating relationships that last and not based simply on what I do for a living. I certainly don’t want to wake up one day and realize I’m all I got.
It was ironic that as I listened to this woman maybe five years older than me, I learned that while I am chasing my career goals, other more personal ones are getting slighted. It reminded me that if I’m not careful, I’ll end up the same way dragging my laptop around as my friend. I’m so careful with my life choices sometimes to the point that I’m almost afraid to make a move, but my conversation with the laptop lady reminded me that it’s important to create a sense of balance. I’ve made more of an effort to spend time with family and friends and even seek them out to nurture our relationships. In the next months, I’ll be sharing my experiences and difficulties of trying to even out the time I spend in my personal life and my career. I don’t want to look back and see missed opportunities because I was afraid of failure or too focused on moving up in the world. My friend is out of the hospital now and recovering like a champ. So, I’m challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone even more so that I don’t only have certificates of attendance and job promotions as my only proof I was here.